Weirdness

But its weirdness that proves God is listening.

Yesterday while talking to my mother about our family, I was mentally bemoaning my singleness, my childlessness.

You see, two of my cousins are married with children -- one wed ten years ago at the mere age of twenty and they've been blessed with two children in recent years; the other met, married and had a child with her husband within the last four years. Both of them are older than me, but my younger brother is also married although they haven't had children yet.

And here I am, approaching thirty, with a boyfriend that talks about marriage but who may not follow through and I'm still undecided whether I even want to have kids for a myriad of reasons. However if I don't have my own, I will adopt.

Thirty. Unmarried. No children.

This is not how I expected my life to turn out. At all.

And this morning, I open up my daily email devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries to find "Answer Envy" -- when God answers your prayers but for someone else. When God tells you no, but someone else yes. She specifically mentioned miscarriages and having to go to yet another baby shower at church.

And I went, "Okay God, I hear you. Once again, my prayers are answered on your terms, not mine."

But as we've discussed before its such a hard concept to grasp. And even harder to follow through on.

Honestly, I'm not very happy with my life. I have a lot of debt, from school and from credit cards, plus my car. I work two jobs and can barely keep my head above water, let alone pay off any of my debt. Plus I can't find a job in my field so not only do I work two jobs but both are way below my education level. I want to get married but can't afford it right now.

And I know that God will provide. I know that He never gives me more than I can handle, even though it may seem overwhelming its really not.

But...I do have a family that loves me and helps when they can, even if its just sending me a Wendys gift card so I can eat a few meals. My parents' finances are worse than mine, but when I visit I never leave empty handed. My mother even mailed me a devotional book that I forgot to bring with me when I left after my last visit! I have friends that make sure I don't go hungry -- my awesome roommate and one of my best friends from law school. I have a boyfriend drives me crazy but who does love me and who does his best to take care of me, even though I tend to resist.

I know my life isn't horrible, I just wish that I had the job I went to school for and that my finances were a little better. I know that God will answer my prayers one day. I just hope its soon.

Link to the daily devotional that inspired this post - http://devotions.proverbs31.org/